


Scouts medicine

by Lykanthropa



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-20 08:01:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8242154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lykanthropa/pseuds/Lykanthropa
Summary: Scout has a health check-up in Medics infirmary. However, the doctor is used in the short term elsewhere and leaves the hibbeligen boy alone in his rooms...





	

**Closely-guarded Bonk**

 

Scout is on his way in the infirmary, to Medic. Two days ago the doctor had come to him and had reminded him that his routine examination is about to be due soon. Scout had waved away and answered with "yeah, yeah". Two days are long. And now he's on the way to the nice doctor…

These two days had passed in a flash. Scout is in a bad mood. He hates the routine examinations. The Doc has to look in his throat and to shine in his eyes. He has to put this cold thing on his chest so that Medic can listen to his heart. And then this strange reflex hammer…  
Well, the reflex hammer is quite funny. It's fun to see his leg jump up. And Medic once said that he had never seen such a lively leg.  
Yeah, Scout was somehow proud.  
But the other stuff sucks.

Scout places his hands on the double swing door, opens it and enters the examination room. Medic stands with his back to him, at his desk and turns around to him.  
“Here I am, Doc. Examine me or let it be.”  
“Take it easy. We have all the time in the world. You know the process. Sit down on the table and undress your shirt.”  
“Yeah, yeah…”  
Scout hates this table. It’s not even a real examination table but an operating table (that’s somehow creepy). Chrome colored and ice cold. The whole room is cold at all. Always.  
Scout hates it here.

He sits down on the smooth surface, puts down his cap and speaker and pulls his t-shirt over his head.  
“Brr! Hurry up, Doc! It's cold as hell here!”  
Medic pulls his roll stool to Scout and sits down in front of him, around his neck hangs this thing and in his hand he holds the small flashlight and this wooden stick. At the sight of these tools Scout gets even worse mood.  
“You’re okay, Scout? You don't look so enthusiastic.”  
“Don’t play dump! You know very well that I hate medical examinations.”  
“You can be glad that you get medical examinations at all. There are many people who do not have such a thing.”  
“Pah! I hadn't asked for it. When I'm sick, I just drink my Bonk.”  
“Energy drinks are not healthy. This will damage your kidneys. I've told you so many times.”  
“Whatever. C’mon! Listen to my heart with this…thing.”  
“This ‘thing’ is called stethoscope. Besides, I always start with the throat. You know that.”  
“The chronology doesn't matter, isn't it?”  
“Maybe. But everyone needs a certain ritual. Don’t you think?”  
Scout rolls his eyes.  
“Open your mouth and say ‘ah’.”  
“Aahh.”  
Medic pushes his tongue down with the wooden stick and shines into his mouth. The taste of the wood on his tongue is disgusting!  
“Okay. Now the eyes.”  
“If it has to be…”  
“………”  
“And?”  
“Very good. Your pupils react as they should.”  
“Why should it be different?”  
Medic sighs.  
“Scout, it's a foundations that regular medical examinations has be made. You must be in peak form when you go into battle.”  
“And what about you? Who is examining you?”  
“I’m the only Doctor in this team. I care about myself.”  
“Aha… You can examine yourself whenever you want.”  
“I have to keep the proprieties, too. When I've finished with you all, it's my turn.”  
Scout pulls sharply the air between his teeth as the ste…stedos… this thing hit his naked breast.  
“I hate Doctors!”  
Medic leaned back on his stool and straightened his glasses. “I can understand you.”  
Scout starts to listen attentively. Medic knows how he feels? Does he hates doctors, too? Is that even possible?  
“When I was a child, I was also afraid to go to the doctor.”  
“Really? What frightened you? Syringes? Scalpels?”  
“Aber nicht doch. These things have always fascinated me. Do you know these hand puppets that children's doctors use to distract the children from the treatment? To take away the fear.”  
“Yes, of course! They were totally cool.”  
“Ach ja? Well, with me they had the opposite effect. They were really creepy.”  
“…Doc, you have a screw loose.”  
“Think of me, what you want. I think you're an oversensitive person but we can get along well anyway.”  
“I'm not oversensitive!”  
“Aww.” Medic pinches Scout in the cheek. “Don’t worry. I don't have any hand puppets, but funny, colorful lollipops. When we're done, you can choose one.”  
Scout crosses his arms in front of his chest offended.  
“You can put your shirt back on.”  
With his roll stool Medic rolls back to his desk.  
“Where is my hammer…?” He opens the drawers of the table. Scout observes how he rubs his eyes.  
A cooing pulls Scouts attention to the ceiling. Several doves perching on the lamp.  
“Hey, Doc…”  
“Hm?”  
“You look tired. Is everything alright?”  
“Ja, ja. I have not slept much lately. That’s all.”  
“Why?”  
“I'll take the nights to find out how I could improve my Medigun to help you fight better and to keep you alive longer. This is my duty as a Doktor, after all.”  
“You're doing so pretty well. But you should really lie down.”  
“Where does this care come from? When I was still a medical student, I often inject myself with adrenaline to stay awake. Since then I don’t sleep often. Despite the fact that I don't use adrenaline anymore for years. Ah, there it is…”  
Medic rolls back to Scout.  
“Oh, ok. Is this the reason why you are looking so old?”  
“………”

“MEDIC!”  
The doors to the infirmary are pushed open and Heavy stands completely out of breath in the door frame.  
“Heavy…”  
“Doktor! Doktor has to come with Heavy!”  
“Was ist los?” Medic walks to the tall Russian, in his face the worry is written.  
“Demoman and Pyro had a fight and now Demoman is on fire!”  
“Oh je!”  
Medic runs across the room. In a corner stands his Medigun, which he hastily puts on his back and rushes back. “Let us go.”  
“Then we are done here?”  
Medic turns to Scout. “No, you stay here and wait until I get back.”  
“But-“  
“The Doktor dismisses the patients!” Then the German is gone through the swinging door.  
Scout sighs annoyed.  
“And how long will it take?”  
He looks around the room. Maybe he's discovering something to play with. But nothing looks really interesting. Except perhaps the surgical instruments, which lie neatly on a metallic near the lie-benches. But it’s better not to touch it. Medic can become unbearable if someone lays hands on his things. Well, he does not need to know about it, but Scout feels be watched by the doves. Who knows? Perhaps the doctor can see through their eyes?

Scout feels something on his shoulder. He turns his head and discovers a small white puddle on the sleeve of his shirt. For a moment he's starring at it, until he realizes what it really is.  
“Ah, jeez!”  
He jumps from the surgery table and stares furiously up at the doves. They cooing. It sounds almost like laughter.  
“You stupid birds! You are nothing but flying rats!”  
Scout discovers Medics white coat hanging at a clothes hook in the corner. He rushes over there and wipes the bird droppings from his shoulder with it.  
“Gross!”  
He goes back to the doves, but doesn't stand right under them. They stare down at him with their little black eyes, mocking him.  
“I have always believed that you are house-trained, but I was wrong.” He takes his baseball out of his pocket and aims for the animals. “Take this! Hit the road!”  
As he built up momentum, the doves begin to swing the ceiling lamp, on which they are sitting, back and forth. This is the only reason why the ball strikes the lamp, which bursts into thousand individual pieces. The shards rains down on him. Scout holds his arms over his head and takes a few steps backwards.  
He stares at this mess.  
“Oh shit…”  
He stares up at the doves unbelievingly. They are still sitting up there and seem completely relaxed.  
“The hell…? You did it on purpose… But you’re just stupid doves!”  
They cooing.  
“I will not take this mess personally.” Scout picks up his ball and throws it after the birds again. This time he hits one of them. The others fly hurriedly into an adjoining room. There is an open window through which they flee. The dove, which he had hit, lies motionless on the ground. Scout is paralyzed.  
“Oh shit!”  
He kneels down to it. “I…I didn’t want that…”  
_You threw the ball because you WANTED to hit it._  
The dove has small blood stains on the white feather dress. To make matters worse it's Medics favorite dove.  
“He will kill me. But first he will delete my data from the Respawn-Device.”  
He takes the dove in both hands and lifts it up. He looks around the room panicky. Should he just throw it out of the window and pretend that he doesn't know anything? Or should he do any reanimation?  
_I have no idea about it!_

Suddenly a sharp pain rushes through Scouts forefinger. With a cry of pain he stares at the dove in his hands, which was miraculously recalled to life and had bitten into his finger. Blood flows from the wound.  
“You damned-“  
The dove jumps into his face and hacks with its beak, while it leaves scratch marks on his skin with the claws.  
Scout tries to shake it off. And once he gets rid of it, the dove rushes back at him.  
“Leave me alone! My beautiful face!”  
Finally it leaves him. But as a coronation, it fires its liquid droppings directly into his face, before the dove follows its siblings through the window to the outside. Through the wounds in the face, the bird's dirt burns unbearably.  
In panic, the boy runs to a sink at the other end of the room and washes the droppings and blood from the face.  
Disinfectant! He must disinfect his wounds! Not far away is a cupboard with sliding glass doors. In it are different bottles with inscriptions of Latin names.  
He pushes the glass aside and hastily rummage through the bottles, but cannot find anything.  
“A doctor without a disinfectant? This is a joke!”  
He looks around the room again. The double door is unaffected.  
“There is never a doctor nearby if you need one.”

The small fridge of the Doc strikes the boys eye. Why is there a fridge in the infirmary? Sure, to store medication there. Maybe he will find it in there.  
Is disinfection actually stored in fridges?  
Scout crosses the room, reaches for the door handle and goes to his knees to take a look inside. The first thing he sees is a can of Bonk, which had found its place in the back.  
This is even better than disinfectant! Bonk is the only medicine he really needs.  
Scout already raises his arm to grab it as he suddenly stares into a pair of eyes. He froze. When he realizes who looks at him, Scout falls back with an outcry.  
“W-what the…?”  
“Did you notice me just now, you stupid brat?”  
“Blu Spy…? Where is the rest of your body?”  
“Ask the good Docteur for it.”  
“That was the Doc? Holy shit… I always knew the doctor is crazy. But this is really crass. And why only the head? And why in the fridge?”  
“What do I know what's going on in his head?”  
When Scout recovered from his fright, he began to laugh and squat back to his knees.  
“Well, you're from the Blu team, so you deserve it.”  
“Is that so? Well, I'm still in better state than you.”  
“Huh?”  
“The scratches on your face?”  
“Oh…” Scout had forgotten this.  
“Besides, you still have droppings in your hair.”  
Automatically, Scout grabs his hair and actually feels something. At his fingertips he discovers a bird dirt.  
“Bah!”  
The boy looks around. Medics coat is too far away to wipe the droppings away, and he doesn't want to have it on his own clothes.  
His eyes rest on Spy.  
“Don't you dare!”  
Scout shrugs and wipes the droppings on the back of Spy's head.  
The head growls.  
“Chill. It's at your mask and not in your hair.”  
“That doesn’t matter!”  
“Would you excuse me now? I need to do something for my health.”  
Scout reaches for the Bonk. As his hand approaches Spy's head, he bites.  
Frightened, Scout immediately withdraws his hand and looks at the place where he was bitten.  
“Ow! What's that about?”  
“Go ahead. Try again.”  
“You betcha! I'll get my Bonk, no matter what!”  
“Then come on. Dare.”  
Scout lets swell his chest and reaches again for the can. Spy bites again. But this time Scout can withdraw his hand in time.  
The Frenchman smiles at him. “What’s wrong? Has the courage left you?”  
“Grr! Just you wait.”  
Scout jumps back to the legs and looks around in the operating room. He is looking for something long.  
A cupboard is standing quite inconspicuous in a corner next to the double door. He opens it and discovers a broom and a swab in it.  
Perfect!  
Scout grabs the broom and goes back to the fridge.  
“What is the nonsense? Do you want to sweep the fridge? Honhon – Umppfff!”  
Scout pushes the end of the broomstick against Spy's cheek and presses. He wants to nail him down so he cannot bite him. With the free hand he reaches into the fridge. But the recalcitrant head simply does not want to stop and struggles against the pressure of the broom. Finally he gets it in his mouth, grabs it with his teeth and turns the broom against Scout. He hits him with the other end against his head. Again and again, until the boy is abandon doing the Bonk.  
Spy spits it out and the broom falls to the ground. Scout stares at him incredulously. He wouldn't have expected him so much strength. Especially not his individual body part.  
He grins at him arrogantly.  
“Spy, you…!”

Suddenly, the double door opens and Medic stands in the room.  
“What's going on here? Scout, what are you doing at my fridge?”  
“Medic, you have to help me!”  
The doctor drops his Medigun and goes over to Scout and his fridge and looks inside.  
“Hallo, Spy.”  
“Hello, Docteur…”  
“You have something there…”  
“I know” growls the head.  
“The bastard bit me!”  
“Why should he do that?”  
“I wanted the Bonk.”  
“So you wanted to use my fridge?”  
“C’mon, Doc. You don’t drink it anyway.”  
“…what kind of scratches are on your face?”  
“Doesn’t matter! Can I have it?”  
“Well, I wanted to use it for an experiment…”  
“Pretty please with sugar on top!”  
“Well, all right.” Medic reaches into the fridge and takes out the yellow can. He presses it into Scouts hand.  
“Hey… Why didn’t he bite you?”  
Medic grins. “Spy knows exactly what's going to happen to him if he dare. Isn't that right, Spy?”  
“Pah!”  
“Cool! Thanks, Doc!”  
“No problem. Let's continue where we left off ... Scout?”  
Medic looks around for Scout. The double door swings back and forth.  
“He’s gone” Spy says. “Me too if I had arranged such chaos here.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Just look around.”  
The German does this. Shards lie just a few steps from him on the floor. His gaze focus the ceiling. The lamp is broken.  
“What the hell…? Ah! My small bottles!”  
Medic rushes over to his cupboard with the glass doors. “They are completely messy! And where are my babies? Archimedes?”  
“As far as I can tell, he has fought with them. Therefore the scratches on the face.”  
“That spoilt brat!”  
“I concur.”  
Medic takes his coat from the clothes hook and reaches directly into the bird droppings. His whole hand is dirty.  
“What just happened here?” the otherwise so kind doctor growled.  
“That comes from leaving Scout alone. And by the way - kill me.”  
“Not now!”  
Medic slams the fridge door shut and lets his eyes wander through the room. He has to clean up here.  
A small white ball under his desk hits his eye.  
“Hmh?”  
He takes it out from there. It's Scouts favorite baseball. And a white feather hangs on it. Could it be that Scout has thrown his ball after his doves?  
A flush of anger rises in his face. He squeezes the ball in his hand. He will pay for this.  
But he needs help. Heavy still have a score to settle with the boy. He will gladly assist Medic.  
A few days together with Spy in the fridge should suffice as punishment.


End file.
